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Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same

And I loved her even more than
Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way

Except she was always using the word "infer"
When she obviously meant "imply"
And I know that somw guys can put up with that kinda thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said "Hey"
Are we playin' horseshoes, honey?
No I don't think we are
You're close (close) but no cigar

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a Habanero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate

And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass

I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on DVD

Oh no, I said "Hey"
Are we lobbin' hand grenades, kiddo?
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close), aw, so very close (close)
Yeah baby, you're close (close), so close, but no cigar

Aw yeah, aw no, aw yeah, aw no, aw right

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo
She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo

And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to number one on my list
And did I mention she's a world-famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist?

Yeah, she's so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big, fat, slobberin' pig
The only caveat was one of her earlobes was just
A little tiny bit too big

I said "Hey"
Are we doin' government work here?
No, I don't think we are
You're close (close), so very, very close (close)
Aw baby, you're close (close), so close, but no cigar

Missed it by that much (no cigar)
Aw yeah, aw right (no cigar)
Really, really, really close, but no cigar